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I have been courting my boyfriend for 13 months. We get alongside perfectly and up to this stage it has been easy.
This previous weekend I questioned a very unique question about smoking pot which unveiled he is a typical smoker. I am shocked and harm for two good reasons. First, I experience deceived due to the fact we had conversations early on in our relationship about drug use. 2nd, I am puzzled mainly because I really don’t smoke myself so can not relate. I realize this is a personalized decision, but I am not certain how to move forward when our values are different on this subject.
He has apologized for not sharing this info entirely. He also stated that if it is an problem then he can stop. I question if this would lead to resentment. Where do I go from here?
Many thanks,
Cary
When I was 17, back in the “Just Say No” 80’s, I stormed out of my parents’ lavatory, and accused my Mom of cigarette smoking pot. With a straight confront, she told me it was just a cigarette. I approved her remedy, even though I realized – from a few firsthand ordeals – that pot smelled distinct than cigarettes.
Often, it’s easier to believe what you want to feel.
Reduce to seven a long time afterwards. I’m residence for the weekend from my job in the William Morris mailroom in New York Town to enjoy the Jets match with my Dad. I transform to my remaining and in the significant glass ashtray sits a fifty percent-smoked joint. “Dad, you left your joint in the ashtray!” I scream downstairs. He does not reply. For two a long time.
Often, it is less complicated to think what you want to feel.
Age 25: I’m dwelling in Los Angeles, working for the Television demonstrate “Ellen.” My father arrives to visit and can take me out to a pleasurable dinner at Chaya in Venice where I can almost commence to come to feel like an grownup. I at last question him about the weed. He tells me that both equally he and my Mother have smoked pot frequently since the 70’s. “It relaxes me,” he claims, simply just.
My father has since handed away.
My mother is 71 and even now has a supplier.
Point is – for me, in any case – that it seems a little bit overheated to make benefit judgments in excess of what could be benign habits. That does not mean that pot is not a drug, nor that it is not feasible to be addicted to it. But as extensive as there are no implications to his cigarette smoking – it’s not destroying his memory, his drive, his capability to perform as an worker or boyfriend, I would do my most effective to categorize cannabis in the similar category as liquor.
That is the intellectual argument, anyway.
On a additional functional amount, my spouse and I are far more like you: we really do not smoke and we however sort of maintain it in a various course than booze. Nevertheless, I think which is far more of an psychological argument than a science-based argument, considering the fact that research clearly show far decrease ranges of addiction, loss of life and violence as compared to drinking.
Finally, your pot challenge may as effectively be ANY connection challenge.
-Viewing soccer
-Not remaining friends with exes
-Receiving a improved career
All are matters that some girls never like about their adult males. Some females are accepting of these perceived flaws and control to are living fortunately ever after. Other individuals feel that their boyfriends need to act the way they want even while that is not their decision to make.
It is up to you:
System A: accept him as he is, presuming his pot routine is workable and doesn’t have an affect on you in any way other than your individual judgment about it.
System B: talk to him to quit, thus reducing the “problem,” but revealing that you don’t take him as he is, and putting on your own in the part of mother/moral scold.
System C: do not talk to him to quit, but preserve resenting him for cigarette smoking, therefore building a long-lasting fundamental tension involving you.
Would seem to me that Plan A would be perfect, but that calls for you to change your thinking on pot, which you might not be in a position to do.
We all resent remaining advised what to do and that, usually, the minimum productive way to offer with many others is by forcing them to modify versus their will.
As to which is a far better solution involving Prepare B and Prepare C?
Beats me.
I’ll just place out that, in general, we all resent staying told what to do and that, usually, the the very least effective way to deal with other folks is by forcing them to transform against their will.
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