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I love talking back to the checkout machine. It’s something I look forward to. Sometimes I’ll ask it questions and wait for an answer, then say, “well that’s rude” when I don’t get one. Other times I’ll act like it hurt my feelings, or I’ll try to give it feedback.
The reactions I get from some people are priceless. A lot of people see right through it and just want me to quit fucking around. But others think I’m completely crazy. Once, I accused it of calling me a liar and acted completely taken aback. It did the whole “please place item in the bag” and I went full indignant. “I did! It’s right there! This is insulting!” Then I kept telling it that I didn’t like being accused of things. The looks I got.
Another time, I tried to haggle with it. I just kept asking it if I could get a discount on an item I was buying because it had been previously opened. I just kept asking and accusing it of “stonewalling” me by not answering. I kept it up until some helpful woman went and got the cashier to come help me. I acted completely surprised by the fact that the machine couldn’t handle my request and complained that it “shouldn’t be allowed to talk to customers if it can’t answer our questions.” I didn’t get a discount on the opened box, but I sat in my car and laughed my ass of for 20 minutes after that, so I feel like I got a deal.
My favorite time was when an old man started saying “he’s got problems” and “oh, God, what’s wrong with him” while I was arguing with the machine about the “tone” it took with me and it’s refusal to call me “sir.” At one point, he turned to another customer and said, “this guy’s a looney” and just the way he said it caused me to start cracking up. So to cover that, I just occasionally muttered “I see, this is what you want isn’t it” and trying to make my laugh a “hum hum, I know what you’re really up to.” The “what the fuck” looks I got from that old man still bust me up. I’m laughing as I type this.
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