I recently heard from a wife who was extremely confused and furious. Recently, she had found out her husband was having an affair with a coworker. She confronted him. She had expected him to fall over himself apologizing and begging for forgiveness. This isn’t what happened though. Instead, her husband seemed furious with her for spying on him and confronting him. Rather than showing remorse and trying to work things out, he was almost acting if she had done something wrong.
The wife said in part: “I just don’t get it. He’s the one who had an affair and cheated on me, and he acts as if I’m the guilty party who did something wrong. He’s combative, cold, and distant – almost as if I ruined the good time he was having and he’s incredibly resentful about it. There’s no talking to him at this point because he’s acting as if he’s the injured party, almost like he’s trying to flip things on me. Why can I do about this? He’s the one who is in the wrong, not me.”
This is a difficult situation, and also a very common one. There are many reasons that men act mad, angry or resentful when they have an affair. I will discuss some of these reasons and offer some tips on how to handle it in the following article.
Sometimes Men Act Mad After Their Affair In An Effort To Deflect Your Anger: As illogical as this may sound, sometimes men act angry after their affair because they are trying to beat you to the emotions. They figure if they act as the injured party, perhaps this will limit your ability to react as negatively as you might otherwise have.
Also, many men use anger as a defense mechanism in this situation. They think if they are angry and unapproachable, this will limit your ability to question them and demand answers that might be uncomfortable for them to give. In short, they are trying to limit the fall out for their actions. They figure their anger will get you to back off and not question them as much or make as many demands.
Sometimes, Men Are Embarrassed That You Caught Them In An Affair And They Use Anger To Hide This: Many men just don’t know what to say or how to act after they are caught being this dishonest. Obviously, you are not seeing him in his best light and he doesn’t know how to respond. Many men are quite embarrassed in this situation and are afraid that the other woman and the wife may compare notes and put two and two together.
This usually will terrify him and his mind will go to all sorts of “what if” scenarios. So, as a defense mechanism, he will try to beat you to the emotions and hope that, as the result, you will hesitate to push too far. In short, it’s sort of a defense mechanism because he isn’t sure how he’s really supposed to ask or what you are wanting to see and hear from him.
Many Men Really Don’t Know What To Say When You Catch Them In An Affair, So They Will Use Emotions Rather Than Heart Felt Words: If you talk to men in this scenario, many will tell you that they really are remorseful and ashamed of their behavior. But, sometimes, when their wives are stating what they themselves are thinking, they become frustrated and this comes out as anger.
Sometimes, A Man Is More Angry With Himself Than He Is At You: It’s very easy to assume that his anger is directed at you, but this isn’t always the case. If you talk to men in this situation, many of them will say that they are more angry at themselves than they are at you or even the other woman. They are so frustrated and disappointed that they have put both of you in this situation and they aren’t sure how to express this.
How To Handle It When Your Husband Is Mad At You When He Cheated: I know you may feel quite angry at his odd reaction right now. But honestly, in a sense, he is sometimes trying to bait you. He’s sometimes trying to get your more focused on his behavior now than on his behavior when he cheated.
Rather than play into his hand, you are often better off refusing to engage. You might say something like “I can see we’re both upset but I question your right to be angry when you put this all in motion. Regardless, when you calm down, we can discuss this more. Until then, we aren’t getting anywhere.”
This puts the ball in his court and makes it clear that, for now, you are refusing to play into this and are distancing yourself until he stops this. Often, after a little while he will realize that his tactic didn’t work and you’ll see the remorse or the reactions that you were expecting.