Our choice of partners is a staged process. First is the awareness of the others appealing appearance and/or personality; discovery of similarities; then a state of emotional arousal; and finally, the revelation of deeper psychological needs.
Recognizing the SEVEN aspects of a toxic relationships pattern can help you see what is happening in your life and get out of continual frustration, pain and sadness faster.
You have been involved in more than one relationship that initially offered the conditions of hope but failed to live up to its fulfillment. The people may be different but the beginnings and endings are the same again and again.
2. A conflict
No matter how good the feelings are initially, deep down inside, you knew and felt that there was something about the relationship that made you uncomfortable, or left you feeling anxious, uncertain, worried, jealous, distressed etc.
3. A bodily sensation
You experience a discomforting but familiar biological response that is triggered by something the other person said or did. For example your anxiety level jumping ten points, a sudden knot in your stomach or pain in your forehead.
4. A feeling of deep loss
When a relationship ends, you are left with a sense of loss of something (or rather the hope of something). You experience emptiness where you once felt a ‘real’ connection, no matter how infused with uncertainty, shame, humiliation, pain or suffering the relationship was.
You’ve thought about it or actually believe that the rejecting response of the other is due to your own words or actions driving them away but still entertain the notion that you can somehow transform the other person into the loving accepting person that you are so desperately and obsessively seeking.
6. An underlying vulnerability
Your sense of your own self-worth is threatened; and you feel bad in the sense that, as much as you have functioned as a resource for others and have done well where the use of good coping and conflict resolution skills are maximized, you feel overwhelmed and very vulnerable.
7. Disowned parts of self
Underneath the surface, there are deep roots from which your boding patterns have grown. These imprints of are like the fuel that intensifies the negative bonding pattern.
Understanding your deeper psychological needs removes some of the mystery from the force that drives you into the arms of one person, while pushing you away from another who might appear equally desirable to any unbiased observer. It is really possible to break away from a toxic relationships pattern and begin enjoying healthy, happy, and fulfilling long-term relationships.